In these changed circumstances, you may be spending more time than usual alongside your partner. Have you recently noticed yourself focusing on the things your partner does that seem annoying and inconsiderate? Do you at times feel irritated by their very presence? Are you complaining more and arguing more, or are you perhaps withdrawing and letting things slide? Are you questioning whether this is the right relationship for you? If so, you’re not alone. External distractions and activities have fallen away, stresses may be high and our usual support networks may be severely limited. In times of stress, it’s natural to be more reactive, and we are more inclined to look outwards and see the other person as the problem.
Did you know that when we complain to our romantic partner, it’s actually a protest about emotional disconnection? In our minds we feel that if they really loved us, they would consider us more, tune in to our needs and be more interested in how we are feeling. As well, our brains are programmed to scan for threats and problems, so we may be noticing the problems but filtering out the positives. We may engage in mind-reading, interpreting our partner’s actions and then complaining about what they are not doing. A complaint can be considered a “bid” for attention. It is an indirect, defensive way of saying, “I miss you. I miss us. Do I matter to you? Are you here for me? Do you see me and hear me?” If we as a couple are able to respond to those bids in a helpful, interested way, we are building trust, passion and emotional connection.
Typically a complaint isn’t effective in creating the desired changes. Complaining may place you in a powerless and pessimistic state because you are focusing on what someone else isn’t doing. If the situation is really bothering you, you might set aside some time to ask yourself how you are contributing to it. What is at the root? What is your desired outcome? If you think your partner should change, where does that belief come from? If you keep focusing how they should change, ask yourself what you might be avoiding. When you do talk with your partner, say what is going on for you and be sure to use I-statements. Try to shift the complaint into a request and take responsibility for your part in the communication. Try being calm and curious about what is actually going on for them. Ultimately you can only change your own behaviours, your own reactions and your own thoughts, so this is an opportunity for you to learn more about you.
If at the root of it, you feel your complaints are about a true lack of compatibility, you might want to seek a bigger perspective. Do some research, speak with friends or professionals and consider your values. You may find a reason to turn towards each other, rather than away. The pandemic could turn out to be an opportunity to create a new beginning for you and your partner.
Sandy Kirkwood is a registered clinical counsellor practising in Gibsons.
