I don't know about any of you, but I'm starting to get worried. Here it is the beginning of February, and I still don't have my invitation to William and Kate's wedding. Perhaps it got lost in the mail, or maybe they're just waiting for the blue bloods to reply before they get to the, sniff, hoi polloi.
I had thought, rather than chancing getting the royal couple a duplicate gift, I would instead send them my top 10 words of wisdom to ensure wedded bliss. Of course, I would make sure the list was suitably engraved on heavy stock paper as befits a couple of their stature.
Rule 1 - Kate, when you're standing in the royal pharmacy and you just can't decide on which liquid hand soap to buy, don't squeeze the bottle just before you pass it to your better half to sniff the scent. I'm not sure about Wills, but my Wayne really didn't enjoy the experience.
Rule 2 -Wills, when you're explaining the royal line to the throne for the fourth time (or anything else that needs repeating to make sense), do not say, "What part of that can't you understand?" Trust me, you will not be pleased with the reply.
Rule 3 - Kate, do not point out the large spot on Wills' favourite tie moments after leaving the palace for a formal dinner. He will not be impressed, and the spot will somehow become your fault.
Rule 4 - Wills, do not ask Kate why she needs another pair of shoes, and while it is true that she only has two feet and can only wear one pair at a time, she will not appreciate you pointing out the obvious.
Rule 5 -Further to Rule 4, there is no need to point out that high heels are not practical. Regardless of how many times you make this observation, Kate will still not buy dowdy oxfords.
Rule 6 -Kate, do not ask Wills what he would like for dinner unless you are truly prepared to live with the answer. And if you know you hate pork chops, get that little detail out of the way before the wedding. It appears to be important.
Rule 7 -Wills, do not brag about your superior taste in newspapers (dailies, of course). No matter how much esteem you hold for the British equivalent of the National Post, it still won't hold a candle to the British equivalent of our Vancouver Sun.
Rule 8 - Wills, do not ask Kate why she can't just go to Barber John and have her hair cut for $12. Pointing this out amounts to sexual harassment. Of course, seeing that you are becoming somewhat follicly challenged like your dear papa, perhaps the cost is even less for you.
Rule 9 -Wills, do not hint to Kate that spending money on makeup, clothes or magazines is a waste of money. The fallout will not be worth the pittance you'll save.
Rule 10 -And the most important, please know that happy couples never go to bed mad at each other. Chances are good that one of them will be one of those annoying people who promptly go to sleep and wake up in a good mood every day, and the other will have wasted a good eight hours fuming that she will never get back.
Many years of bliss to both of you, and may all your troubles be little ones.
